Gideon's tale

Notice anything different?  A certain terseness?  Something of a staccato rhythm to my sentences?  A sharp reduction in parenthetical statements?  There is a reason.  A good reason.  I have been deprived of my comma.  Literally.

This is a story about Gideon and a fable about persistence.  Its moral is this:  if you keep your goals in mind and work hard at them you will be rewarded with success.  It is a tale for our times.  It is a tale for all times.  It is Gideon's tale.

Gideon has many goals in life.  The more important among them are:

• Emptying completely the kitchen cabinets
• Ripping that fascinatingly exposed bit of tape off of one of our packing boxes
• Throwing himself down the concrete steps that lead to the garage
• Drinking out of the toilet
• Destroying my computer

I term these "goals" and sense that they are important to Gideon because he returns to them repeatedly.  I think most babies share these same goals (though I trust most babies are not interested in my computer per se) or ones much like them.  And I am sure most babies are enthusiastic in their pursuit of their goals.  Gideon is more than enthusiastic.  Gideon is intensely and maniacally committed to achieving these things.

Each of the doors in our house makes a unique sound upon opening.  The sound of the bathroom door opening causes Gideon to drop whatever he is doing and immediately start sprinting in its direction.  Likewise the sound of the door to the garage opening.  It is really remarkably how fast he can crawl when he perceives an opportunity.  Like a very fat bullet he crawls.  He also does this when we open our bedroom door.  The upshot is that it is impossible to open any door in this house without within some seconds sharing the resulting doorway with a large and very determined baby.  The exception to this is the door to his own bedroom.  Sometimes it is possible to pass through that in peace.  Sometimes. 

It is my main goal in life to see that Gideon does not achieve these goals.  I used to have other goals but now really I have only these goals:

• Stop Gideon from emptying completely the kitchen cabinets
• Stop Gideon from throwing himself down the concrete steps that lead to the garage
• Stop Gideon from drinking out of the toilet
• Stop Gideon from destroying my computer

I don't really care if Gideon ever gets that last piece of tape off or not.  But that aside I seek to thwart him and I trust it is obvious why I do.  And so it is we find ourselves at odds.

Gideon is remarkable in his determination and in his sense of the future.  He accepts defeat calmly.  He appears to be certain that in the end all setbacks are temporary and that his goals will ultimately all be achieved.  Certainly the track record thus far warrants confidence on his part.  Certainly this same record suggests that I am in trouble.

I will tell you what really worries me right now.  It is not that Gideon will eventually empty completely the kitchen cabinets and throw himself down the stairs to the garage and drink out of the toilet.  I am not even worried that Gideon will destroy my computer.  He has already done that:  the comma key is gone and he took it.  What worries me is that he also took the m key and that while I found that one I have not found the comma.  So what worries me right now is the thought that in all likelihood he took the comma key and he ate it.

In closing I offer a picture of my opponent by way of explaining why this is all so terribly humiliating for me.

 You win Gideon.  You will always win.