Return of Bearduck

The wife has always had a thing for cute:  she is, she's drawn to, she has an eye for cute. Years ago, when I was first courting her, I played along, as gentlemen do, primarily by engaging in extended discussion of cat names and admiring articles of clothing so identified. I won't say this activity was feigned but it was less than wholehearted. Not so my enjoyment of bearduck.

Bearduck, the bear who dressed like a duck.  The improbability of it, the jokes, the novelty, and most fun, the games we'd play in which the little figure would show up in unlikely places.  But one night, enjoying sushi boats, we took the game too far:  we placed Bearduck on an empty boat, watched him sail off towards the kitchen, and then sat and waited for his return.  He never came back.

Sometime after that one of us discovered Bearcluck, the bear who dressed like a chicken, and we've preserved him through all the travels and all the years.  He lost his rooster cap, Talia sewed him a new one.  We cared, but we never loved.  And we never forgot Bearduck, floating away.

Life goes on.  And on and on and here it is, Labor Day 2014, and we're celebrating our one year anniversary in our still-new home and BARn.  I'm on an errand, refilling supplies, and I realize that a package that's been sitting around for a few days is addressed to me so I grab it and open it and there's Bearduck, a bit bigger than I remember him, and wasn't his old outfit footed, but it's Bearduck alright, and I'm awfully pleased to see him.

Now, who sent him back home?  Not a Boston-based sushi chef, that's for sure.  No, no, it was an old friend, and a very special person with a very special mind, a mind so orderly and logical that it was able to recognize, after a hiatus closer to two decades than one, someone else's toy.  It was none other than VeronicaSpock, a lovely woman who does not dress like a Vulcan but who certainly thinks as clearly as one, and who likes for things to be where they belong.

What do you want?

Please note that containers are sold empty.  Honey is shown for illustrative purposes only.

 This one's about you, friend, not me.

What do you want?  Why don't you already know this, why don't you have an answer at hand?  Why, as you think harder about it, does the answer seem to recede into the distance?  And what's with this sense that you used to know but can't quite remember what that earlier answer was?  Lots of reasons, lots of really good reasons.

You've been taught not to want the things you do want.  I do this all the time to my kids.  What does Felix want?  More syrup on his pancakes, more soy sauce on his rice, more honey on everything.  No, Felix, you've had enough syrup...more soy sauce will ruin your rice...we are out of honey, again.  What does Gideon want?  To stay up all night, "reading," to climb out the window that leads to the apple tree, or, formerly, possibly still, to drink out of the toilet.  No, Gideon, no, no, no.  And it doesn't end there:  we are constantly telling one another not to be greedy, not to strive too obviously, not to leave the dirty dishes sit, not to have an affair.  If we exclude the leaden question of What-do-you-want-for-dinner-tonight you will find that, as an adult, you are rarely asked what it is you want, and almost never asked what you really want.

Things get taken away from you--a favorite restaurant closes, a friend dies, lovers leave you, families get broken, Utz discontinues their Mesquite BBQ Kettle Cooked potato chips, why why why why why?--and you confuse the desire to fill that hole with the want that creates something new.  Yes, you want those things back, it's a true want, but it's a useless, irrelevant want, and it drowns the weak signal of the want-for-that-which-you've-never-had.

You aren't in touch with your emotions and finding what you want depends on being able to feel it.  You will never answer this question by analysis, it isn't a puzzle to be solved.  Wants are discoveries, not inventions, but your education and your work have done almost nothing to teach you how to find things, only how to make them.  The making is what gets you the things you want, but we're not there yet.  Feeling comes first, and at your age feeling is uncomfortable at best, and if you're like me it actually hurts.

Last, there's just no space in life for questions like this.  It's open-ended, doesn't offer quick wins, and any answer you do find is probably going to cause an awful lot of trouble.  Searching necessitates sitting still, which you don't do.  Searching is helped by having conversations with people of a sort you don't normally have.  You might have to start keeping a diary or seeing a shrink, you might have to travel or take a long, long drive.  Who has time?  Who has capacity?  And who even wants to admit they don't have what they want, much less that they don't even know what that thing is?

When you really look at it, it's just a terrible question to have to ask yourself, a terrible question to have to share with others, and it's just a terrible pity that you must.  But you must, so get to it and stick to it, and good luck to you.  You can do it, you can find an answer, or a part of one.  And once you do know what you want perhaps we can blog some more together about how to go about asking for it.

How are you?

How are you, I'm asked. Here's as good an answer as any: I took this selfie yesterday, after I got stung on the tongue by a bee.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that other than the bee sting I really can't complain.